would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
