went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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