Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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