Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
