you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
