it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Im part way to drunk.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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