There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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