I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
