remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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