Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
