Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
