Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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