I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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