Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize