so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
