I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
