I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
