someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
