so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
