can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
