So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
