Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I have aggressive nipples.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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