I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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