I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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