you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
