I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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