ya dads aren't the best wingmen
...so i touched it.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
