I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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