You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
