they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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