So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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