We won't sleep together?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
