Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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