Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
