Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
