you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
