I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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