well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
