The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
