I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
