I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
