First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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