i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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