I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
