I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
