Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
