I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Randomize
