im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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