note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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