and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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