I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
