As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
