Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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