Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
