Don't you send me to vm
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
