saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
