Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
