I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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