Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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