if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
