This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
